[ Marriage Tips ] How to live peacefully with your Nigerian mother-in-law

Is it actually possible to live peacefully with your difficult mother-in-law? The answer is yes, and here are tips on how to achieve it.

Many Nigerian wives have several tales to share when it comes to their mother-inlaw, and only a few of them have genuine nice things to say.

Unfortunately for most of these women, their husbands share a very strong bond with their mothers, and may want them to live in their matrimonial home. This is usually where the problem begins.

In fact, this is can sometimes be equal to living in a nightmare for as long as the old woman remains in the house. Believe it or not, it doesn’t have to be this way and you as a wife, have the power to change the situation to favour.

So is it actually possible to live peacefully with your difficult mother-in-law? The answer is yes, and below are tips on how to achieve it:

• Acknowledge her position/role in the home: First of all, if not for her, you wouldn’t have that your darling husband whom you love so much. She brought him into the world, so appreciate her for that. Also, you need to realize that she has more experience than you do where marriage is concerned, and you would do well to tap from her wealth of experience to help your own home. Understand that she’s as much a part of the family as you are, so don’t treat her like a permanent guest or else you will forever walk on eggshells around her.
• Respect her: As already noted in the previous tip, acknowledge the fact that this woman knows far more than you do. She has been around longer than you, so don’t even try to compete with her because the bitter truth is you can’t win! If your husband totally adores her, then you must too. Note that I said “must.” It’s not optional. Imagine if your mother lives with your brother and his young wife and she talks to your mom rudely as if they were age mates, how would that make you feel? Think about that next time your mother-in-law says something you don’t like and a very rude comment pops into your head. If it would hurt you when someone insults your mother, then it would hurt your husband if you insult his. Never forget that.
• Seek her opinion: Since she is living in the same house with you, then it’s only normal that you include her in running the home. Ask her for some useful remedies for taking care of the children and the home. If your sibling or friend would be coming to spend a few days in the house with you, after seeking your husband’s approval, inform your mother-in-law as well. Don’t spring any unpleasant surprises on her as this would cause unnecessary tension between you two. It doesn’t hurt to involve her in the decision making process in the home as well. Treat her as a vital part of your family and she will definitely warm up to you.
• Be friendly: Some mothers-in-law are downright mean! True, but have you ever tried to find out the reason(s) why they are like that? Funnily enough, they may not be that way because they don’t like you, it could be because of something or situations that are entirely unrelated to you. Unfortunately, you find yourself at the receiving end of their anger even when you have done nothing wrong. No matter how nasty she may be, your mother-in-law will definitely have moments when she’s in a good mood. Utilize this rare opportunity and engage her in a conversation she can relate to. You could talk about her favourite thing or food. Ask her questions about your husband’s childhood and the naughty pranks he played while growing up. With time, she will loosen up and tell you about other unrelated issues. Even if she reverts to her nasty mood shortly after this peaceful moment, don’t lose faith. Wait for that rare moment again and try your ‘trick’ once more. As time goes on, her foul moods will reduce and she may even let you in on what usually ticks her off most times. This won’t happen overnight, so you have to be patient and consistent.
• Treat her like your biological mother: Back to our second tip above – would you insult your own mother? I bet your answer is no. Therefore, if you want your mother-in-law to be kinder to you and more loving, then you need to start treating her like your own biological mother. She is not your rival or opponent; she is the mother of the man you love with all your heart. This means, if you truly love him as you claim, you would love the woman who brought him into the world for you. It’s that simple. Let the love you feel for your spouse be the springboard that will propel you to improving your relationship with your mother-in-law. Regardless of whatever you may think, she also needs your love and acceptance. And remember, she is also a woman like you and she has emotions that can be hurt too. So please, be kind and love her like your own mother.
• Never argue with her: As I noted earlier, competing with your mother-in-law for whatever reason, is one battle you just can’t win. She’s been there before, so she knows all the tricks. Arguing with her even when she’s wrong is totally pointless. Aside from being a disrespectful thing to do, it also means you can never be in her good graces because you have shown her that you are both equals. To avoid an argument, just remain quiet when she says something you do not quite agree with, especially when she is upset. When she is more calmer, you can then bring up the matter and express your opinion respectfully. Doing this will make her respect you and appreciate your maturity in handling the matter.

Mothers-in-law don’t have to be ‘witches’ and ‘sadistic’ old women. They need to be loved and appreciated, just like your own mothers. Treat her the way you want your mother to be treated.

Yes, it’s that simple.